Genteel Death

Kamsiliochukwu, it is polite to knock before entering.

“Kamsi has all the girls”, I remember someone saying to me on the first day I resumed. I remember wondering whether she had made a mistake and had meant “could have”. It didn’t take too long for me to understand though.

Few weeks into the term, you bumped into me accidentally (I would later discover it was planned), apologized and then said, “Doyin, right?” You broke into a wide grin seeing my evident confusion. I couldn’t get myself to voice any question so I made do with a nod. I didn’t see you for a long time after that. Then, all of a sudden, you came to my class and slid in the seat right beside me and began pestering me with the weirdest questions. “Do you eat maggots?” “How many of our set mates do you think will be successful by 40?” You kept laughing each time my eyebrows creased in wonder and how infectious your laugh was. You asked me if I was going to eat lunch that day and although beans pudding (moi-moi) makes me sick to my toes, I agreed and went along with you. Throughout lunch, I kept giggling and laughing behind my palms. At some point, you stopped talking, slid lower in your chair and said, “Drink water, Doyin.” It was simply a nice gesture but I immediately realized that I was smitten when I smiled in response. We shared even more lunch breaks together and each time, you kept pointing out one fault in my table manners or the other. “Doyin, sit upright.” “Doyin, don’t place your elbows on the table.” “Doyin, cut your meat into chunks, don’t eat it at once.” At first, it was quite embarrassing, but as we drew closer, I began to understand that you meant no harm. Soon, I was eating at the school dining like I was in the Queen’s banquet hall.

You said you couldn’t play any sport yet you always invited me to football matches. You’d sit a considerable meters away from me and try to mouth different things to me. Kene is a terrible defender, Pere has zero ball control, and Moses needs to work on his agility and speed. I tried as much as possible never to fling myself on the floor in laughter anytime you screamed instructions at the footballers. I always wondered how you knew so much about a sport you claimed you couldn’t play. I don’t know what you said to people that made them believe we were nothing more than friends; in my head, we were a couple.

It was heart-shattering when Camilla said she liked you and was going to tell you. It’s funny how she came to ask me for advice. I wanted to scream at her and ask her if she couldn’t see that we were together but what if you didn’t think so too? She did tell you after all, and apparently, you liked her too. The day you said yes, I didn’t eat dinner. I didn’t stay awake with my roommates to do a recap of my day; I couldn’t do anything. Our friendship continued almost seamlessly. You may not have noticed, but I was sadder and every time Camilla called you away from me, I silently wished the wind would whisk me away. Things got better after you called me randomly and said you liked me. I knew you didn’t mean you wanted to date me but it meant a great deal to me and I began letting go of the hard feelings. You came into my life suddenly, without any permission yet I was perfectly fine with it.

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Kamsiliochukwu, it is polite to say goodbye.
I didn’t wake up feeling groggy or sad. I didn’t sense anything. My morning routine was as normal as normal could be ,yet that was the day I became everything but normal. You weren’t at your usual breakfast table but I couldn’t ask Kenton where you went because he was three tables away and you had said to me before, “Doyin, don’t speak over people’s heads.” I decided there was no big deal and I’d probably see you during the day. I returned to my hostel with the other girls so I could do my laundry. It’s funny how I was thinking of you at the exact time that Belema walked in, closed the door and slid to the floor. Of course, everybody had to ask what happened. I doubt Belema had experienced grief before then because she said it so casually, her eyes staring ahead (I would later learn she was in a shock). “Kamsiliochukwu is dead.”

They say some people laugh when they hear the news that someone close to them is gone. I didn’t laugh though. I screamed and rushed at Belema. Some girls say I bit her ear, others say it was her head. I’ve never known myself to be violent but grief really does bring out parts of ourselves we didn’t even know existed. I wept throughout that day and sourced for every bit of information I could get. They said you drank something, a mixture maybe. They said it’s suicide. Suicide ke? How didn’t I know? How weren’t there signs? When my friends went to comfort Camilla that day, I wondered why they didn’t comfort me too. Didn’t they know I was even closer to you than Camilla? On some days, I wonder if the intimacy of our friendship was imagined because how is it that I was in the dark all along? It was even after you died I found out you were the best footballer in the set but you weren’t playing at the time because of a knee injury.

That week, there were no classes and the midterm break was brought closer yet nothing could alleviate my pain. You left my life suddenly, without any permission and I’d lie if I said I was perfectly fine with that.

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I named my son, Kamsiliochukwu after you. When my husband asked me what was so special about the name, I told him the meaning was simply appealing. Kamsi’s room is filled with different posters on etiquette and table manners. I’m raising him to be exactly like you. He started playing football at the age of three, and he’s getting so good. I’ve healed enough to want to gift another girl the chance to get to know you. I just hope this one lives more fully than you did.